Friday

I went wig shopping I was not feeling going to the biker party with my corn rows I just don't feel sexy in them and you know I got's to feel sexy to be sexy! Then when I saw Rude Boy Thursday he was like you still look good but I never seen you look so thuggish.................his ass wasn't saying that when he saw me Saturday night (smile)

I found the wig I want and went home to get ready for bowling with Tiffany, Kris, Neka, and Shavonne I was hoping Traci would have shown up but maybe next time. Tiffany couldn't bowl but she gave me some good pointers and I won a game I had 3 strikes in a row and I scored a 161 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to take a pic of it with my camera phone to show Tony and the kids (smile). I planned to hang out with them after bowling but Tiffany left early, Neka had to work the next day and Shavonne had to go some where that sounded far Kris was available and ....................you won't find out what if anything went down in this BLOG since I'm sure folks expect that but .................NOT GONNA HAPPEN !!!!!!!!!

I got home and went right to bed after texting a few people.

Saturday

The Cookout turned out nice. Tony did a good job DJIng and announcing the game Nicole and I were surprised he could do that too (wink)

I didn't want to leave early but Nickee called me and said she needed me to take her to the Regan airport to get a rental car. Now I don't mind doing stuff for my sister but I didn't have any gas money and nor did she even offer me any after I told her I didn't have any.

I had to go pick her up and then go all the way to the airport then back home. The kids were sorta ticked because they had to leave early since Tony had no room in his truck.

It was kinda a good thing we left because it started raining hard.

When we got back home I watched TV with the girls while thinking about what the hell I was going to wear to the party.

I went through 5 outfits and 3 pair of shoes. The girls were getting upset because I kept switching and then my hair that took a hour to fit all these braids under the wig without it looking big and bulky. Angel had called me 3 times so I had to come up with something quick. Black boney jeans, A White elbow length pull over shirt with a black and Silver glitter design bra under it which I pulled the shirt under the bra so it was exposed, Diva dusted my chest (smile), beat my face and bam ......hot dayum I was HOT!!!!!!! (lol)

First stop was to pick up Angel mind you the party started at 10pm and it was 11:15pm

2nd stop her moms crib for some money

3rd the liquor store

4th the Exxon to meet up with Tausha and then the PARTY !!!!

I was siced, cause I was turning heads in the freaking parking lot (smile) Angel and Tausha looked nice too.

Tony's man D was taking the pics he kept watching me and when Rude Boy was all up on me I know he saw that too. I saw Dianna and her husband (the swingers) and Pam and her husband as well. They were happy to see me and Dianna husband kept checking me out (lol)

I had a lot of guys drooling, stuttering and staring all night but I wasn't interested in any of them. My mind was wandering every now and then.

I saw Cup Cake (from my old bike club) she is the president of her own club now the Cedar House. She said she was going to call me because she wanted me to join her cub but I don't know Rude Boy asked me about it too.

A fight broke out and they shut it down it was like 1:30am ................30 min early.

Rude wanted to hook up with me after but the Dirty club house was closed so we went to family and ................the place was crowded ...........As soon as I walked up to the door Martin grabbed me ......aaaarrgghh I forgot he hung out there. He was holding me as I was pushing away.

When we got inside the ni^&*$ were grabbing my hand offering to buy me drink after drink but Martin put us on a tab and that was it. This one dude I met named Eric is a very handsome guy he had some gray in his bread so I'm thinking his late 30's mid 40's. He was all on me we danced a bit and I even danced with Martin. Eric claims his family owns the Family do I believe that.........HELL NO!!! I have met 3 guys who told me the same bull (LOL) I know Jo hangs out there a lot and I asked him if he knew Jo and he said yes, they talked on the phone a few but nothing romantic came of it (his words)

I remembered I was supposed to call Kris after I left the party so I called her after we dropped Angel off and she met us at the IHOP. We had a nice time teasing one of the hostess chicks who first tried to pick up Tausha then Kris then she tried to hit on me last (LMAO) you know I don't play that I wasn't mad just she could get no play from me after that.

Kris seems to think I have a crush on one of her female friends and that is so not the case I told you guys I think I am done with the women action for real!!! She's pretty and everything but she's straight and has a man. So Let's just say I am not interested in her or any other woman for that matter................If she would ever like to see what the other side is like ............I am available (LOL)

Nothing else has been going on I'll have to hit you guys back later to talk about some other stuff.

Okay we went camping as a family 07/24-07/27 it was so much fun. It was also hot as hell I mean come on we were outside for 4 days ........outside we slept in tents but any camper knows a tent draws heat and you can not stay in one during the daytime. I got a tan and thanks to Avon Skin so Soft I didn't get bit by any bugs. It rained for a few on Saturday but all was well.

Meesha and Sherelle came for the first time and ............yeah lets just say it's true about Meesha having a little something for me and Sherelle was making every attempt she could to get in my pants. I hate to even say this and maybe I shouldn't but I won't be true to you guys if I don't...................I let her go down on me. I don't know why I did it I'm not even feeling her ........it was a bad downtown job for real. I felt nothing for the first time in my life when another female was going down on me and I felt ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. She was moaning and shyt and I was faking an orgasm so she could just stop. I even felt guilty afterwards I told Tiffany I think I'm over women but she thinks it's just that I didn't ever have a thang for Sherelle and it was what it was. Meesha was the look out since all the guys were around the camp fire up the hill.

When we got home Tony stayed on the phone most of the time he didn't chill with me at all, then at 8:14pm he tells me has to make a run and will be back. His be right back ended up being 12 midnight and then he attempted to have sex with me and couldn't get hard he even gave me a bad downtown job I was just disgusted. I tried not to get up set as a matter of fact I did a pretty good job I told him "Your dick wont even stay hard you woke me up for that bull shyt"! and then I went to sleep.

Before he had gotten home I had wrote him a letter about our relationship, how he left out like that and yada yada yada. He read it but never said anything about it. He was just being real nice to me paid my cell bill off ($800) and gave me a $500 credit.

Nothing else been going on I been working OT all this week and my check should be looking real nice. I'm gonna need it since I have 4 more Hershey Park tickets to purchase.

Sherelle and Meesha have been e-mailing me a lot since camp but I'm not in the mood to even flirt with they asses so convo has bee dry on my end.

Tausha and me haven't been hanging out none since the cook out at Neka's mom's crib. But I talk to her crazy ass everyday she is funny.

My sister sent me the obitutuary for DJ K-Swift and I let Felicia see them off the break looking at the first pic she says "She was Gay"? I'm like dang the girl is dead that's what the e-mail was about a life gone to soon and she worried about if the chick was gay or not.................now yaw know how I am about the gay subject right? So I say "Why would you say that"?................................you guys ready for this "Because she looks hard, Gay people have this hard look". I wanted to go on her for real but I let it slide I guess she was implying she looked Dom but dayum (shaking my head)

Tony and I made love last night it was okay I tried to implement the pulsatron in it but it didn't work so when he was finished I handled my own business thinking about ......yeah you got it (smile) I've been doing that a whole lot the last 2 weeks .

Kris asked me to go bowling with her tomorrow so that's something for me to do and then Saturday is Rude Boy's biker party. I can't wait for that I told Scorpion and Big Boi I would shoot thru to the club house so they could see my SMILE. I think it's just gonna end up being Angel and I so I'm gonna invite Tausha she'll like the club house.

James just called me to tell me he was on his way to Six Flags I wonder if Felicia can tell he's gay (smile) Nothing else going on for real just work. I can't wait to see Dr. B next Thursday for my anxiety. I have been having small ones all this week and have taken the medication once. I think may know 2 issues that may trigger it. Dr. B might give me some different pills I don't know.

I've been slacking on the blog a whole lot lately at least that's the way I feel. My week in was chill Saturday I went to Neka and Kris Mom's B-Day cookout and had a nice time. I invited Tausha along with me since I wasn't sure if Tiff was going to show up and Neka was with her friends and Kris was mingling with her family. I didn't want to be chillin alone now I'm not a needy person and can meet folks on my own but in this case this time I didn't want to be alone.

I called Tiffany and after getting her voice mail I called Tausha who said yeah sure she would come chill with me. Tiffany called me right back and said she was coming too.

The food was wonderful, the music was nice and the drinks were mellow I had a real nice time I got to talk with Tanya and Kori who are friends with Kris but cool people I think Kori is so pretty and she's older then me she looks good for her age for real. Could be all the sleep she gets at nite (lol) I danced and just had a all around good time and can't wait until next year.

When I left there I went to get my ride from Kris's house and then was on my way to pick James up from Addison road. I thought I was going to be on my way to the party Tony was DJ-ing. But needless to say ....long story short Tony never answered my phone calls, Donyale ended up being at the party, Tony came home at 7 am Sunday morning, said he lost his phone...........yeah he found it when he went back to the house where the party was to get his equipment ..just like I knew he would. I didn't even trip off the fact that she was there and he came home the next day at 7AM ..........JEDIIIIIIIIII

Monday Ruby paid me a visit I was happy to see her so her ass will be gone when I get to camp (LOL)

work was chill as it has been all this week so far today is my Friday (SMILE)

I've been thinking a lot about my life and stuff and have decided that 10 years is all I have left in this marriage . I have to start saving money, changing the way I depend on Tony, get a second job I love to do, and just prepare myself mentally for this big change. If for some reason things change and I know I can be truly happy in the marriage still then I will stay but I don't fore see that happening maybe the time apart will do us good. Smitty is back to see his ex wife again it's funny their creeping (he got married again remember). I just ............I'm just not happy and I know I can be.

Tiffany had me laughing when she asked me about a new crush and I told her there wasn't any she brought up Meesha and that is not a crush I just think she's cute as well as another chick. But as far as crushes go that is over for me believe that I'm not saying I won't stop......you know but that's just what it will be.

I went to Mary's right after work to get my hair braided (cornrows) I hate my BIG ass forhead but it was cheep and I needed it done for camp.

When I got home Tony and I watched TV and ate Chicken Nuggets together.

Shay baby sat KiKi's baby boy and the twins while they took the other kids to Kings Dominion. Jamie paid her $80 she was siced.

This morning was pretty busy I haven't heard from the DCL crew this morning they must be busy knowing Meesha she might be off today getting ready for camp. I should have too off today as well and NOT to get ready for camp (wink) oh yeah and NOT TO BE WITH MEESHA!!!!!

Tausha called me this morning she has really been there for me between her and Mia I haven't leaned on their shoulder so much in years but since I'm not totally involved with them and they are on the outside looking in I can really express my feelings with out ..............with out any strange looks. I should be over this by know, I should be pushing on, I should be ......................so many other things but I'm not........this is hard and .............yeah this is hard harder then the 1st ........................

Tausha and Duke are over ..................he's been carrying her and I finally had to give it to her straight no chaser. You know I hate doing that since I've been told I may be the reason my friends aren't married. But I had to tell her about her behavior. Once again I don't have the answers (Look at my shyt) but .......yeah I be having my Vivica thang on point. (smile)

Yesterday I was in a very good mood the whole day at work.

Tony and I made love the night before and he was good so I was good.

He was calling me all day talking that lovey stuff and all was good.

When I got home that's when all hell broke loose and I wish I would have taken Kris up on her offer to hit a karoke bar for real.

When I pulled up in my driveway (smile) I could hear Tre and Emel in the backyard fighting I don't even want to relive all the choas but I'll give the short version.

They were fighting

Tre got threw into my big ass grill and cut his hand, his toe nail came off and was bleeding, he hit Emel in the stomach and he went down.

When they came in the house I went the room, shut the door and turned on TV.

The boys started fighting in my living room. Emel was pissd his lil brother banged him out he started in on that crazy shyt saying he was going to kill him. It was turing into a disaster and I finally went to handle things then Emel started getting buck with me wheich made Shay, Necole and Tre flick off on him all the more. I had to put him in my room with me with the door shut until Tony (who was working late at work got home) I did text him again and say "Come home now"! so his ass wouldn't go to the bar and come up later.

He ended up having to take Emel home.

Tony left with John when he came over they left with a bottle of Hennessy. Believe me I didn't think Tony was gonna come home twisted like he did.

Once that episode was over I told Tony I felt so stressed and was not feeling well so I'm watching the 2nd Family Guy and it's almost over when he says "I have to go to the Legion to pay Doug". Now remember he was pissy drunk and I didn't want him to drive I had on my PJ'S and a scarf (so my hair could lay flat I just sewed in some extra tracks) I tell him "I'll drive you up there but run in and pay Doug and come right back out, don't get a beer just come back out so we can get home". When we get there he goes in by the time I turn the van around he's coming out the door I'm so relieved until I see he has a Corona in his hand and is talking to the Delfonics father. I wave my hand to gesture WTF ARE YOU DOING!!!!! when he slurs "Hole up a min". I pull off to the entrance side and wait a whole 10 min then I hear more guys outside talking to him and when I get out (scarf off) to see who it is I see Talk a lot and the Pimp. I hell "Talk a lot take Tony home". Him and the pimp are yelling "Wait up Squirt" and I drive off.

Tony calls me twice from somebodies phone since his is at home asking me why I left him and shyt like that even if I was going to come back and get him ..............yeah picture that (lol) I played with my bullet thinking about her and slept for a few.

I was up when he came in a little after 2am since he didn't have his keys and had to ring the door bell.

I ended up sleeping at the bottom of the bed because his drunk ass was having a rough night and everytime he burped it smelled like throw up .........YUCK!!!! GROSS!!! I know .

Yesterday I was in a very good mood and with reason (wink) Tony was still acting an ass but I told myself I wasn't going to allow him to determine the way may day was going to go.

So I called him once to tell him I was at work and that was it. Of course he didn't call me which was cool.

I talked with Kris via text and e-mail and she was really talking some good shyt to me about me and my feelings and how strong of a woman I am and yada, yada, yada. She's going to teach me the Jedi Mind Trick thing (LOL)

I talked with T a bunch he left for the United Kingdom today and will be gone until Tuesday. He told me to send him my sizes in jeans. I guess he's gonna send me a few pair. He also said he would send me a e-mail while he was away but I doubt it. It seems like ole girl is going with him even though he told me it was him and his boy going to the National open or something like that for golf. But he was talking about getting a sitter for the kids and someone to watch the dog shyt like that I didn't even call him on it but let the jeans not come and he's gonna hear it for sure.

I spoke with T twice yesterday and then he had to work the watch shift so he called me 3 times while I was off work . He called when I first got home, when I dropped Necole off at practice (her days have changed) and I can hear the surprise in his voice when I told the kids it was T I was talking to and they yelled "Hi T". Then he called me again while I was at Friday's with Rude and I didn't answer.

We tried to go to Taco Bell when we left just Tony and I but it was closed. I ended up going to 7 Eleven and getting the best dayum nacho's OMG!!!! they were so bomb. All the kids were up when we got home Tony called them to see what they wanted and brought them stuff home too.

My mother is leaving her husband Mike ..................a bunch of drama lets just say he is a gambler ........a big time gambler AND a recovering drug and alcohol addict ...................my mother called me talking about how bad she was doing and she was moving back with Grandma .........it was so sad I was telling Tony about it how my mother MY MOTHER only had 3 loaves of bread in the house aaarggghhhh I wonder what happened to her she used to be so..............so thorough I watched he go toe to toe with my dad ....not take no shorts, pack all 6 of us up and raise us on her own (until he would come back again) I watched her do the same with my step father and now she takes shyt off this fool aaarrrgghhhh I told her she needed to stand up to him but see I really, REALLY wanted to get in his ear but mommy was like "NO". She knows I already got a few of my Cali friends on it .............looking out and it was Greg who told me Mike was gambling hard ......mommy said nothing to us the whole time making it like they were doing good. I told Greg if I found out Mike was putting his hands on my mother I wanted that nigga .............yeah ..........yeah I wanted him to just stop.

My brother Marques is trying to see how much it will cost to get her car shipped to Ohio but she's moving Aug 5th Tony sent her $400 so she could get herself some food and her medicine turn her phone and cable on so she can have something to watch since she's home all day.....................I just wanna scream.

Well got more work to do so I'll get at yaw later.

Work was chill I talked with Kris most of the work day I kinda understand why she goes to work like she does she tries to stay a head of the game and she said she is a procrastinator which means she should get stuff done way before hand so things don't come crumbling down around her. Kris is pretty cool she reminds me of 2 of my girlfriends I had in high school in Ohio (smile) those were different days for me in Ohio I was very quiet and stayed on the outside of the circle. I hated everyone because I hated that we moved from California my home town to this strange place to me full of busters so there were 2 girls that were kinda outcast who took to me and people would always ask me what I saw in them? Why do I hang with them? Well the answer was they didn't judge me, they liked me for who I was on the inside not the outside or my material things, the fact I was from California, the fact that I could be part of the in crowd but chose to hang with them meant a lot to them and me I learned so much from Althea and Erica (lol)

Well nothing much to discuss right now.

Necole is getting her hair down in Nubian Twist, Shay is over her girlfriends house, Mo is at work with Tony and James and Tre are at the house.

I can't wait to get home a be chillin with Tony I'm really feeling him now!

Thursday

Monday

I was expecting to hear from T but no dice.

I talked with him Thursday tho

work is going okay I talked to Tausha, Tonique and Kris via text and Meesha and Sherelle via e-mail oh what a day.

Tony still has a slight attitude because Jerome came to the Legion but I could care less he gave me $20 this morning ................man okay I'm a try to get things right at home I hate the tension ......plus I hate asking him for money when he has an attitude.

Is acting the ass again. Not sure what his problem is He was fine yesterday morning but later that day he wasn't barely talking to me then when I got home I started right on my hair.

He came in and started shampooing the carpet but he wasn't speaking to me and then............THEN when I was coming up the steps he threw something down the stairs.......he was like in the kitchen so he couldn't see me coming up the steps but I said "Hey Tony did you just throw that down the steps"?

him "Yeah".

Yesterday was no different for real he had a straight attitude not calling me back when he said he would. Just being short with me and everything. I was in a good mood so I wasn't really tripping but when I got home that was a different story.

I took Necole to practice and Mo rode with me.

When I got home I started cleaning our room (still can't find my wedding rings I should have never started wearing them again. I was playing slide with Mo and since its a hand game she asked me to take them off and now I can't remember what the hell I did with them and that was like 5 days ago) still didn't find them.

Tony came home fussing at Emel who had hung up the phone on Aunt Rip and so Tony was taking him home. He didn't even speak to me when he got home which was cool with me I started making chili and Tonique came over we talked for a while about her car and some other shyt.

When Tony got back dinner was ready and Mo had already ate.

I watched The Secret of the American Teen with Mo and then went to pick Necole up from practice.

When I got back Tony was straighten up his side of the room. I started watching George Lopez and Tony kept walking around, stomping his feet, talking under his breath like a mad man and then this fool threw the mail across the room I was like "WTF is the problem"? He started flicking off about the house being dirty, the kids being home all day and nothing being done and how he came home from working a hard day at work and cleaned the carpet and yada, yada, yada ............call it what you want but all I wanted to do was finish watching my show so I could go to bed.

After a whole hour of his rampage and the kids running around cleaning up he finally went outside I was praying he was leaving I didn't even care if he ran to Donyale's house for comfort, relief or what ever he calls it. No dice he had just stepped out for some fresh air (LOL)

I went to bed after Family Guy I noticed my phone was flashing I either had a text or a voice mail I don't carry my phone around the house anymore. I had one of both a text from ........................MEESHA this is getting scarey (smile) it said "Hey missy what you doing"? I was like dayum here we go again (smile) she had sent the text like a hour ago so I didn't respond but I hit her up this morning during our regular e-mails with the group. She said she didn't want anything just wanted to talk ....uh? what???

The voice mail was from........yeah a friend I haven't heard from in a good while telling me they sent me a e-mail and wanted to make sure I would read it when I got to work.

They didn't have to call about that I would have seen it when I got to work.

T called me first thing this morning. I called Tony who was in a better mood until I told him I was waiting to hear from Dune about doing my Tattoo party on the 25th of this month he was sounding a tad attituded ( I know that is not a word but you have to hear the way I say it ......it's so cute *smile*)

Man I can't even think of anything else to type right now.

Okay tomorrow after work I'm hanging with Meesha and Sherelle (I know, I know) we're going to the Fish Market.

Friday having a small cookout (smile)

Saturday chillin at the crib Tausha wants her and I to take the kids out some where I'll have to see how my funds are.

and

Sunday Church