I can't even begin to tell you guys what I want ....but I can tell you this much I am HAPPY ....CONTENT ......I mean if Lee told me today that he couldn't do this with me anymore and he had someone else. I would be hurt but still happy and content in knowing that I had him in my life ....that I learned from him.....that I now know there is life outside of Tony and that I know what it feels to be involved with someone who made me feel whole. Someone who made want more out of my life for myself. Someone who made me feel special, cared about, trusted,wanted, needed, sexy, comfortable, like a woman and yet in still made me feel the happiest I have been in years. I can now see myself living life on my own and surviving without Tony or any man .....I have never felt that I could make it with out Tony and this new feeling is wonderful.

Tony can sense a difference and I'm not even trying to hide it. of course people outside that I mention I'm not happy to get all emotional saying the same ole bull shyt "You guys can't break up". "You guys will work it out". "Tony loves you". yada, yada, yada and it's all good I mean he is a great guy but why should I have to continue being unhappy because he is a great guy.......of course the people who are tripping about this are SINGLE and looking for what I got..................LOVE is overrated and marriage is too if you ask me ...........I would never get married again and if I tell another guy I love him .............take me out back and shoot me like a wounded horse.......................

Tausha has gotten on a nerve again with those test papers I mean she rushing me with some shyt she should have done. LOLOLOLOLOL yeah......anyway

The other day Tiff said my supervisor was standing next to me talking to me and I was on the phone ignoring her. Now how come if TIff saw this she didn't ring my phone or try to flag me down (lololololol) Michelle has called her name plenty times while she was engrossed in a e-mail, on the phone or with her head phones on watching a movie and I have flagged her down to let her know but um yeah ..............I was on the phone with ...you guessed it Lee so that makes a difference (smirk)

I was just thinking you know Lee asked me why I am so mean to him and when he tells me he likes when I do something I never do it again ........I told him it was because I didn't want him to take my kindness for weakness. He keeps telling me I don't have to worry about that he is not out to hurt me....he said he knows we both have other friends we talk to but it's different when him and I are together and he doesn't want me to be like that with him.........He said "I hope what we have get stronger and doesn't end I mean don't get rid of me before I get a job and miss out"

me "It's not about money".

him "Toni I know you and what you like I wanna be able to give it to you".

me "Well with you it's not like that".

him "I almost spit up in my mouth you sounded real mushy with that".

me "Oh hell naw ...yeah nucca get a job quick cause I needs all dat".

him "That's more like it".lolololol ......man you guys...........The real reason I am that way with him .....holding back is to protect my heart for when he falls back........................protect my heart from when things get to be too much and he falls back. this morning he called me at work and the first thing out his mouth is "What is your problem how come you can't let me know you got to work anymore........What am I just to assume you made it into work I mean yeah and that way if you don't make it I won't know what's up I mean Toni come on just send me a text or something".

me" Well I was thinking you already wake me up at 6am so I thought you could just go back to sleep and call me when you get up".

him "I didn't ask you to think I asked you to let me know you made it into work". (lolololol) we laughed but I know he was serious which makes it cute because he has this hard shell just like me and .....it's just funny how we let our guards down around each other (smile)

This morning he is jive pissed I didn't get to see him last night for the.....yeah........So I let slip I was with a friend and he was like you stood me up for some bull shyt. He was in his feelings and I could tell his whole voice, convo changed he was quite and hasn't even sent me a smiley face text. I can feel it in my heart he is hurt, pissed and it makes me shake my head because in one breath it is what it is and then he acts like this when he be the main one talking about.

I'm not looking for any commitment

I'm not ever telling a woman I love her again

Don't get soft on me you know it is what it is

Your not the only woman I'm talking too.................................yeah shyt like that......................finally talked to him and he said "Hey, Toni I wanna say something ...listen that shyt made my heart drop to know you stood me up for another nucca and I don't like that shyt ......I had to get myself together because yeah i was jive hurt by that shyt and in my feelings". (smile yeah nucca yeah)

Rude Boy

hit me up talking about he asked me to go out of town with him this weekend and I'm standing him up for kick ball I been told him Sunday was the opening game ....silly man he was like you standing me up has become a habit.................I responded to the part about what time does the kick ball game start but ignored the other part of the message he hit me with the. "You just gonna ignore the other part of the message uh"? I was SMH! I don't feel like dealing with anyone else I am content with what I have going on right now for real and going backwards has not been in my plans unless it was Tony.

Crazy Dogg

He called me yesterday not talking about much

Darrin

Called me Sunday we talked for a good while about his bowling league and his going to Ohio for a bowling tournament he said he real good too. I plan to check him out tonight after practice ................well that was before Coach just stressed the shyt out of me about the uniform's I mean the guy Dee is doing them for free and I have been talking with him for the last 2 weeks he assured me he would have them for me on Saturday. Coach is stressing me out talking about he doesn't think he will have them ready in time and yada, yada, yada I'll be so glad when we get them I really will so he can shut what they call the HELL UP! I will out tonight looking for the shorts and socks so people can go buy them for this weekend. So I won't be seeing Darrin unless I find all that shyt ASAP

James and Necole

They have a modeling show tomorrow night so I will miss the practice the was rescheduled for today due to the rain yesterday.....................James told me yesterday they might have to have it at 2pm today instead because of the principle. I told him to let me know because I would leave early from work I can make up something real quick (smile)